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Showing posts from February, 2018

Gaining and Losing...and Gaining.

I'm taking a break from Facebook. I didn't disable my account for a few reasons:

It's my only connection to some people I might want to reach. Still trying to sell a book so -- social media presence. Lily likes to peruse animal adoption pages and then engage me in lively dinnertime musings such as, "Mom. Can you even stand this puppy? Look how CUTE it is! Ruby needs a baby sister. What if no one adopts it and they put it to sleep? Can you live with yourself if that happens? Wow. Really? Well, I can't." I might need to ask for recommendations about a plumber or AirBNB or having surgery for a bone spur. And everyone knows FB gives the best advice.

So I have legit reasons, but I took the app off my phone and I just don't look at it. Like many other things, when I don't see it, I don't think about it. Pizza, for example. I rarely think about its doughy, cheesy goodness unless it's sitting on my bar top whispering its sultry, sizzling siren song. We…

Being a Cool Mom

24 years ago, I became a mom. I couldn't wait to be a mom. Arguably, I should have waited a little longer, but I didn't used to be very good at following rules. When I became a mom, I had really high hopes for the kind of relationship I would have with my daughters. I wanted my girls to grow up to be my best friends. I wanted us to do cool, fun things together. I thought, kind of like Amy Poehler's character in Mean Girls, that I would not be a regular mom, but a cool mom.

I would not be like my mom. All mom-ish. I have always been really close to my mom while simultaneously not close at all to my mom. I don't tell her secrets. Especially as a teen. I love my mom. She lives with me -- that's how much I love her -- but we aren't friends. I never wanted to hang out with her. I didn't think she was cool. She was my mom. I loved her in a mom way.

I wanted one of those mythical mother/daughter relationships that transcended into friendship with my…

Before and After

We all have defining moments...instances when something happens--good or bad--and you know from that point forward you'll measure your life in terms of before and after that event. Of course there are sometimes more than one, but there is nearly always one.

For me, it was my brother's death. February 5, 1989. There have been others. A dear friend's death in 1992. Another brother died in 1997. My dad died in 2011. But February 5, that was the one for me.

I started to think of and look at things in terms of before Chris died and after.

Before Chris died, I believed in magic. In God. In miracles. After, I believed that you should never let yourself get too comfortable or trust happiness because it would be ripped away from you.

Before Chris died, I often felt special and love and cherished. For too long after, I felt pretty worthless.

Before Chris died, I believed that I was brave and strong. After he died, I felt weak and afraid when I needed to be brave and strong.

Before …