Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I sometimes still let S%*T bother me.

Sometimes, I try to put people into molds. Sometimes, I hold people to very high standards. Sometimes, I get very disappointed when people don't meet my expectations. Sometimes=All. The. Time. Occasionally, in moments of clarity, I recognize the messed-up-ness of this flawed process and reset. I return to working on myself and accepting other people as they are. Wherever they are and whatever they're doing.

Chloe told me about one of her friends who would comment on a person's behavior as, "Oh, that's just Sam. Doing Sam stuff." This made me laugh every single time I heard it. Lately, however, I've been thinking about what a simple but profound lesson there is in adopting that viewpoint.

Once I was really upset with Brad about some perceived slight or shortcoming, and when I was telling my little mermaid fairy guru about it, she said, "Mama, you're kinda just mad at Daddy for being Daddy. That's not really fair." RIGHT?!

Of course it's not fair. And this admission is selfish and arrogant and unfathomably egotistical, but sometimes I get pissed at people just for being who they are instead of who I want them to be. Bleck.

I've written about this repeatedly. Obviously, I'm still working on it. I still let some s&*t bother me.

I keep praying about and meditating on accepting people as they are with no expectations, judgment or labels.

The last few times I did yoga, I set this as my intention. Every morning, in my journal, I pray that my every interaction with people might shine love and light into them. I pray to make people feel encouraged, heard and understood. I fail. A lot. But I keep trying.

Lately, I got hung up on gossip and being "two-faced." People saying unkind things behind each other's backs and then being sweet to each other's faces. Honestly, if you are a woman (between the ages of 3 and infinity) you've encountered this. Maybe you haven't. You get Wi-Fi under a rock? That's pretty awesome. Anyway, I have been both guilty of gossiping and hurt by people gossiping about me. So in the last few months, I've been trying incredibly hard to be impeccable with my word. You know, I drone on and on about The Four Agreements, but seriously, it's so simple: Don't say anything unkind. About anyone. Ever. It really is a simple concept, but in our critical culture, it's so hard. Really, really hard. I encourage you to become aware of the power of your word--and others' words.

So, the more I started to focus on being understanding and accepting and kind, the more I realized that in order to reflect that, I had to feel it myself. I couldn't wake up and criticize myself for all my shortcomings and then expect to be encouraging to others. That's not exactly true. I could do that. I have been doing that for years. Here's how that story ends: I feel slighted, wishing someone loved and understood me. Wishing someone made me feel special in all the ways I try to make other people feel special.

I know this sounds disgustingly self-indulgent and whiney, and I rarely spend time consciously feeling sorry for myself. I want to be completely transparent so that I can share this revelation: The gossip, the criticism, the nasty, shrewish, two-faced behavior that I so despised was how I treated myself. I have to stop being mean to myself.

When I set my intention in yoga to seek to understand and accept everyone who crossed my path, that needed to include me. I had to stop punishing myself for all the ways I haven't lived up to my own ridiculous expectations--because if they're high for other people, they are astronomically out-of-this-world unreachable for me. I had to start this little kindness revolution right in my own heart.

Last night, I went to yoga convinced that I would probably spend most of the practice in child's pose. My knees hurt. My hair was dirty. I had tried on a bathing suit earlier which sent my self-esteem in a downward spiral. I almost didn't go, but I realized that I was withholding yoga as some sort of punishment for not looking good enough in that bathing suit. Or something else ...  I'm not sure. Anyway, I put it aside. And I got on my mat and let my breath carry all that negativity away.

Today, my intention remains to be compassionate, to understand, listen and encourage people. To say only kind things. And most of all: To accept all of us exactly where we are.

5 comments:

  1. I will spend almost 40 minutes tonight in the pool in my saggy speedo that needs replacing and which fits neatly under my saggy gut. Zero fucks given. Come sit by me.

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  2. I will spend almost 40 minutes tonight in the pool in my saggy speedo that needs replacing and which fits neatly under my saggy gut. Zero fucks given. Come sit by me.

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  3. I know that stuff bothers me all of the time. It just doesn't haunt me as it did in the past. I'm able to shrug this stuff off of me much more easily. Teflon, not velcro. Also, I think all sorts of judgmental things but I don't say 1% of what I think. So, saying kind things only is possible. Thinking only king things is, I think, an impossibility due to our protoplasmic limitations...

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    1. Teflon, not Velcro. I am gonna get that tattooed somewhere. That's brilliant. damn protoplasmic limitations, lol!! I hope you are doing well and all healed :)

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