Tuesday, January 14, 2014

La la la la la la, it's a Beautiful World.

Day 9 of the Daniel fast. I'm feeling deeply cleansed--this fast has been the spiritual retreat I've always dreamed of taking. Here are a couple things I've learned:
  1. Caffeine withdrawal is painful. 
  2. Food is an idol in my life. 
  3. I get really jumpy when I can't eat--see #2. 
  4. I no longer enjoy cooking-although I have made a lot of stuff  I pinned
  5. Comfortably full is a foreign term.

Today, the caffeine headache and sugar cravings have passed, and the clarity has begun to settle over me. (By the way, I have not lost one pound. Today, I said, "F#$K you, scale; you ain't bringing me down! You're registering all the additional knowledge in my brain not fat on my thighs!" But, this fast wasn't about the scale.) I realized that I have relied on food for far too much. Food was my comfort, relaxation, solitude, love, and so much more.

That's how I grew up. Sick? Chicken soup. Celebration? Cake. Love? Cookies. My mom communicates in food. Still. But now, when she walks in my house with a fresh-baked plate of cookies, I smile and thank her, then I look right in their little peanut butter faces and say, "You are a cookie; you are not love." I often say it with my mouth full of cookie, but I'm making progress. At least now I realize the cookie's not love.

Cookies and love. Really?

When I quit smoking over a year ago, I realized that I had absolutely no coping mechanisms. Stressed? Have a cigarette. Tired? Have a cigarette. Sad? Have 100 cigarettes. There are never enough. There are never enough cookies, never enough cigarettes, never enough coffee to fill that hole inside you.

Today is my brother Chris' birthday. He would have been 53. He died almost 25 years ago and left a big old gaping hole in my heart. A hole that I have tried to fill with so many of the wrong things. Eventually it healed as much as a human heart can heal, but not through any of my attempts to patch it together with peanut butter cookies for sure.

What I've mostly learned through this fast is to feel and be in each moment. To question my motives for eating. To realize that food doesn't satisfy a deep internal craving, it simply paralyzes it for awhile. I have learned that I do have will power. And I learned--again--that when you step out in faith, God sends in a heavenly support team.

So, I don't know if I'm gonna lose any weight, and I don't really care. What I do know is that when you stop dulling your emotions with food or whatever your drug of choice is, the fog lifts and a beautiful world awaits.

Day 9, I gave my food addiction to God, and I'm not taking it back. Can I share something with you guys? My husband surrendered his cigarettes to God on day 1. I'm so proud of him. Would you please pray for him?

3 comments:

  1. Hi Mary! I saw you on Compel, and that is great that you did a Daniel fast! The leadership team of our church plant did two days of fasting this week, but I think God may be nudging me because my home church in America is doing a month long Daniel fast. Good for you!

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    1. Hi Betsy! Thank you so much for visiting and for the encouragement :) We have done day and week fasts before, but this is the longest one. Good luck with your church plant--I would love to hear more about it!

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  2. Did he hand them to god directly? Did this god entity smoke them?

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