Thursday, July 19, 2012

Dreamy, Flighty, and Stupid

I was reading my posts from a year ago, trying to gauge the differences. Have I made any progress? It's good to have such an accurate measuring tool as your own thoughts. Last year, I was 20 pounds over my goal weight, taking anti-depressants, drinking too much, and waking up too many mornings feeling guilty for things that I often didn't remember. I had a great circle of friends who also drank too much. My husband drank too much. But we were a lot fun. We had a great time.

Today, I am 6 pounds over my goal weight. I still haven't accepted my body though I am a little easier on it. I still love to eat and sometimes eat for the wrong reasons. I drink less and wake up every morning guiltless (well, other than the usual should have, would have, could have stuff) and clear-headed. I don't make alcohol-induced bad choices; although, I am still living with the bad choice of picking up a cigarette and thereby becoming a smoker again. I've learned that I can just drink one beer and enjoy it. I have learned that I am fun even without alcohol, and my husband doesn't give me disapproving looks. I still have great friends, though some have moved on because I guess they don't find me much fun anymore. I miss them but not enough to go back to that life.

I no longer take anti-depressants. In fact, I only took them for a few months before deciding they weren't right for me. I think I needed them for awhile, even if it was just to realize that I didn't need them. My dad's death took a toll on me that has taken a long time to process. Yesterday was his birthday, and I didn't cry or eat 5000 calories or stay in bed all day. I missed him but felt him near me all day. I think that is a big change. I still miss my dad, but he seems closer. And I think that is because he is with God, and God has drawn me nearer to both of them.

There is no reasonable explanation for the changes in my life other than God's grace. I always considered myself to be a Christian, but for most of my life, I certainly wasn't living that way. Since we began regularly attending church, getting involved in The Movement, and actively trying to follow Jesus, my life has changed dramatically. In fact, when I look at our life today, it's daunting how much work God has done.

I've had conversations with people who don't really believe in God and find me flighty or dreamy or even stupid to give Him credit for my life. They feel sorry for me or judge me or talk about me behind my back. In the past, I would have tried to convince them or justify myself. I would have agonized about how to make them like me. Now, I don't care what people think about me. I pray for them to have the same sort of heart awakening that I've had. This is the bottom line: I gave my life to Christ, and He is doing a noticeably better job with it than I did.

3 comments:

  1. Mary, I am so proud of you for progressively making a choice to make a change in your life; to truly accept and live your life for Christ. It was a choice. You chose the better part. God is making you over. Everything does not happen overnight like you smoking but I pray you stop in time for health reasons. Your body is God's temple and He wants us to take care of it.

    People come in and out of our lives for reasons and seasons. I'm glad that you don't care how others feel about you. I'm glad that you aren't choosing to conform just to stay friends with those whom separated themselves from you.

    Keep prayed up and keep blessing those who speak against you and your beliefs. God will bless you my dear! I love you dearly and I think about you time to time. I'm sure your dad would be proud of you. :)

    Blessings, love and prayers to you and your family!

    Hugs,

    Terra

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    1. Thank you, Terra! You are an inspiration and I love you :)

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  2. I felt the same way once I gave my life over to His Satanic Majesty. Plus, we have better barbecue. Sure it's fat Walmart people, but they are damn tasty!

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